I recently was walking into the grocery store. As I was heading towards the entrance, I saw someone I knew coming out of the exit. I slowed my pace just a notch hoping to avoid her.

Why?

Well to be honest, I don’t enjoy conversing with her. She has an odd style of relating, she complains a lot, and she is overall a difficult person.

But here’s the deal, what about me? Is my heart condition right with respect to her? Isn’t there a better way I should handle difficult people, conversations, or situations than simply avoiding them?

What about you? Who are the difficult people in your life?

Are you handling them well?

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We all want to engage with others, enjoy friendships, and experience life with others. We were built for relationships after all. But the reality is we don’t always handle each other with care.

Here are a few thoughts:

1) Be Forgiving. We are all in a battle for our Lives and we all act like a jerk sometimes. Seeking forgiveness and giving it away is like Relationship 101.

2) Be patient. I have young children that are often self-centered and difficult. But I have to try and be patient with where they are in their life, and it’s no different with adults. We have to be patient with people as they thrash to and fro through life.

3) Be kind. It’s not just what we say, but how we say it. Talk down to people too often and you will be talking to no one but yourself in the long run.

4) Handle yourself with care. This is by far the most important one of all. To the degree you are patient, kind, and forgiving with yourself will largely determine how much you are with others.

Thoughts?

What other ways can we handle people with care?

We have good friends who have a special needs child. In many ways, their life doesn’t look much different than ours. They went to college, got married, and had kids. They work hard all week, cook-out on Saturdays, and take it slow on Sundays. Just like us. But they also experience a host of complexities with raising a special needs child that we will never fully understand.

Here are some things we have learned from being their friends:

1) We don’t need to offer unsolicited advice, opinions, or thoughts.

2) We don’t have to provide answers, an alternative, or a plan when they are hurting.

3) We don’t have to experience the same difficult circumstances to be compassionate.

4) We just need to be available, accepting, and present.

5) We just need to be…a friend.

Maybe these ideas can be applied to the friendships in your life too.

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Being attentive leads to deeper relationships and more engaging conversations. Here are some ideas on how to cultivate Attentiveness:

1) Look people in the eyes when they speak to you.

2) Ask clarification questions about what they are saying.

3) Don’t be moving all around. Sit up and lean in.

4) When the other person pauses. Count to 4 in your head. Often the other person has more to say and is trying to articulate it better. This can be difficult because silence seems awkward, but in my experience it leads to more depth of conversation.

5) And above all don’t interrupt and don’t hog the air time.

Being attentive to another person during a conversation shows you value them. Giving full concentration to their words says they are worthy to be heard.

Thoughts?

How do you engage in conversation?

Years ago, I shared part of my story with a group of people. It was disruptive. I cried and I broke down. And when I was finished, there was dead silence. After a few awkward minutes, the group leader sort of got the discussion onto something else.

Looking back, I don’t believe the people in that group did anything wrong. I had shared a painful part of my life. And as often is the case, pain is not something most of us handle well…our own or someone else’s.

But is there a better way? Is there a more compassionate response than silence?

Recently, I learned the word “compassion” is derived from Latin words meaning “to suffer with”. And it hit me, that’s it. Compassion is not a thing we extend to someone. It’s a thing we do “with” someone. When we share in each others suffering we become compassionate.

See, I wasn’t looking for an encouraging word when I shared my story. I wasn’t asking for counsel. I wasn’t even really in need of prayer. But what I would have loved is for someone else to say, “yea…I know what that’s like…I had a similar experience when….”.

That’s compassion. When we exchange our stories. When we relate as equals. And when we share the joy and pain of being human.

How about you?

Who in your life shows “compassion” by suffering with you?